Big mystery. Small town. What could go wrong? The milk isn’t the only thing that smells off
It was the summer of 2010. A great summer. Perhaps the last good summer. I was eighteen. “Tik Tok” by Kesha was rising on the Billboard charts. Angry Birds was your favorite app. People still liked J.K Rowling. I didn’t know what Rogaine was. It was a simpler time.
Our story begins in a small town in Minnesota. It was a hot summer day, at least 50 degrees (hot for Minnesota). It was a Saturday. I was still living in my parent’s house, because again, I was in high school. Pretty standard stuff. My mom asked me if I could…
Rule #3: All coaches must be cute babies wearing oversized suits
Rule #1
One player from each team must wear a blindfold at all times
Rule #2
All free throws are shot from half-court
Rule #3
Coaches must be cute babies wearing oversized suits
Rule #4
Everyone wears stilts — even concession stand workers
Rule #5
At halftime teams perform karaoke (songs must be Kidz Bop version)
Rule #6
Refs can replace the ball with a cantaloupe at any time
Rule #7
Players can eat the cantaloupe ball
Rule #8
All players from each team get put into a group text six hours before the game
Rule #9 Birds are released…
“Who Wants to Be an Essential Worker?”
COVID Survivor
Contestants compete in a series of seemingly mundane challenges (going to the grocery store, eating outside) while trying to avoid getting COVID
Who Wants to Be an Essential Worker?
Contestants win various sanitation products by answering questions about the day-to-day lives of essential workers
The Amazing Race to a Vaccine
A special behind the scenes look at companies as they race to be the first to deliver the COVID-19 vaccine
The Price is Not Right
Contestants guess the prices of healthcare-related things such as flu shots or emergency room visits
Wheel of Misfortune Contestants win prizes by solving…
Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to
In Theory
Finally, it’s the weekend! It’s time to let loose, unplug, and go crazy.
Reality
Finally, it’s the weekend. I’m going to take under 1000 steps total.
In Theory
Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to
Reality
I’m not going to talk to anyone
In Theory
I’m sure you’re curious what I have planned
Reality
You don’t give a shit what I’m doing
In Theory
I’ll crack open a beer the second I sign off Slack. I might even try a new cocktail.
Reality
If I don’t nap right away I might die
In Theory
But I can’t relax too long, I have to…
There must be at least three dads doing yard work at all times
Welcome to the suburbs
That’s Dave, he loves working on his car
Yes, the neighborhood is usually this quiet
They say you can hear a lawn mower from 12 miles away
Let’s go over some ground rules:
- If you walk past someone without saying hi it’s ten years of bad luck
- No loud music past 8pm (kind of an unwritten rule)
- It’s your sworn duty to get mad when you see a car driving too fast
- Leave the deer alone (kind of an unwritten rule)
You may notice that there are more dogs than people in the neighborhood
Yes, you…
I kind of like looking like Pitbull’s less rich cousin
When I first started balding in my mid-twenties, I knew I could do one of two things: either ask The Rock for his workout routine or find a way to embrace it. And I really didn’t want to work out more than I had to.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel insecure as I saw my hair begin to disappear. I’d get nervous going on dates. My barber would tell me I’m too young to be going bald (as if I had a choice?). My family would offer reassurance and pretend they couldn’t notice.
My friends have…
Find out by answering a few very scientific questions
Keep track of your points and refer to the answer key at the bottom for your results
- Are you a human being from Earth? (1 point)
- How old are you?
-Age 1–49 (1 point)
-Age 50–105 (1 point)
-Age 106–200 (What?) - Have you ever listened to the song “Uptown Funk” (1 point)
- Do you like BLT sandwiches? (1 point)
- How often do you think about Toy Story?
-Never (1 point)
-Once a month (1 point)
-1–3 times a week (1 point)
-Constantly. I’m Tom Hanks. (6 points) - Do you dislike BLT sandwiches? (1 point)
- Have you ever worn a T-shirt…
It’s whatever you want it to be. More importantly, it’s whatever you need it to be.
Summer camp is like your favorite meal from your favorite restaurant: you can try to replicate it, but you won’t be able to.
There’s also nothing you can say to adequately describe it to others.
“Okay, so it’s like we’re in the woods but we’re not, you know?”
“There are sports and yeah there’s a lake but it’s not really about that stuff”
“Anyway we all sing and dance at breakfast”
The world is separated by “camp people” and “not-camp people” and I am proudly the former. I wear it like a badge of honor (the badge is a mosquito)…
“Thinking about going for a walk but never doing it”
Some things I enjoy these days:
Watching birds from my window
Counting until I get tired
Reading the tags on my clothes
Sitting in silence
Thinking about how to start emails
Standing up
Standing up but in my kitchen
Thinking about going for a walk but never doing it
Texting my friends “Yeah this is so crazy”
Texting my friends “I know I can’t believe it”
Texting my friends “Not ideal but I’m hanging in there ya know”
Being terrified in CVS
Being terrified in a liquor store
Being terrified at home
Looking at the trees outside my apartment
Naming the trees outside my apartment
Guessing…
Jon Savitt
Writer. Comedian | Funny or Die. College Humor. TIME. Washington Post. And more!
