My Weekend, In Theory vs Reality
Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to
In Theory
Finally, it’s the weekend! It’s time to let loose, unplug, and go crazy.
Reality
Finally, it’s the weekend. I’m going to take under 1000 steps total.
In Theory
Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to
Reality
I’m not going to talk to anyone
In Theory
I’m sure you’re curious what I have planned
Reality
You don’t give a shit what I’m doing
In Theory
I’ll crack open a beer the second I sign off Slack. I might even try a new cocktail.
Reality
If I don’t nap right away I might die
In Theory
But I can’t relax too long, I have to pick up my dry cleaning and get ready for a date
Reality
I gave up on dating three months ago
In Theory
A mutual friend set us up and I made reservations at one of the city’s most popular restaurants
Reality
I’m not a “dinner as a first date” type of person
In Theory
I can’t stay out too late because I’m meeting my running group at 6am sharp
Reality
Not in a running group, not getting out of bed before 9am
In Theory
After a run and a quick shower, I’ll grab a cup of coffee before meeting my friends at brunch
Reality
Definitely making up an excuse about why I can’t make brunch
In Theory
I’ll get a random text from an old friend saying he’s in town and wants to grab a drink later that night
Reality
Ignoring that message
In Theory
We meet at a little-known dive bar, there’s plenty of space and we don’t have to wait at all. Also, the floors are clean and not sticky at all.
Reality
We go to three bars before finding one where we can actually sit down. The air conditioning is broken and the floors are disgusting.
In Theory
After a few drinks, we meet up with another group of friends who rented out a karaoke room
Reality
After a few drinks, we unfortunately meet up with another group of friends who rented out a karaoke room
In Theory
I sing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” and get a standing ovation
Reality
I butcher “Bennie and the Jets” and someone takes the microphone away
In Theory
I get back to my apartment and my roommate already ordered pizza, which he says I can have for free
Reality
I get back home and find out that my roommate threw up on the couch
In Theory
I wake up on Sunday morning ready to be productive
Reality
I wake up on Sunday morning and don’t want to do anything
In Theory
I finish my manuscript, meal prep, and still have time to grab a beer by the lake
Reality
I sit under a blanket for six hours straight
In Theory
I haven’t even thought about work at all. Nobody emailed me
Reality
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about work
In Theory
I feel refreshed and ready for the week
Reality
I’ve never been more anxious
Jon Savitt is a writer and comedian featured in outlets including Funny or Die, College Humor, Washington Post, MTV News and more. He’s also a past contributor to the popular comedy web series “Good Mythical Morning.” Find him on Twitter @savittj.
