My Weekend, In Theory vs Reality

Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to

In Theory

Finally, it’s the weekend! It’s time to let loose, unplug, and go crazy.

Reality

Finally, it’s the weekend. I’m going to take under 1000 steps total.

In Theory

Like most my age, I have a long list of action-packed activities to look forward to

Reality

I’m not going to talk to anyone

In Theory

I’m sure you’re curious what I have planned

Reality

You don’t give a shit what I’m doing

In Theory

I’ll crack open a beer the second I sign off Slack. I might even try a new cocktail.

Reality

If I don’t nap right away I might die

In Theory

But I cant relax too long, I have to pick up my dry cleaning and get ready for a date

Reality

I gave up on dating three months ago

In Theory

A mutual friend set us up and I made reservations at one of the city’s most popular restaurants

Reality

I’m not a “dinner as a first date” type of person

In Theory

I can’t stay out too late because I’m meeting my running group at 6am sharp

Reality

Not in a running group, not getting out of bed before 9am

In Theory

After a run and a quick shower, I’ll grab a cup of coffee before meeting my friends at brunch

Reality

Definitely making up an excuse about why I can’t make brunch

In Theory

I’ll get a random text from an old friend saying he’s in town and wants to grab a drink later that night

Reality

Ignoring that message

In Theory

We meet at a little-known dive bar, there’s plenty of space and we don’t have to wait at all. Also, the floors are clean and not sticky at all.

Reality

We go to three bars before finding one where we can actually sit down. The air conditioning is broken and the floors are disgusting.

In Theory

After a few drinks, we meet up with another group of friends who rented out a karaoke room

Reality

After a few drinks, we unfortunately meet up with another group of friends who rented out a karaoke room

In Theory

I sing Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” and get a standing ovation

Reality

I butcher “Bennie and the Jets” and someone takes the microphone away

In Theory

I get back to my apartment and my roommate already ordered pizza, which he says I can have for free

Reality

I get back home and find out that my roommate threw up on the couch

In Theory

I wake up on Sunday morning ready to be productive

Reality

I wake up on Sunday morning and don’t want to do anything

In Theory

I finish my manuscript, meal prep, and still have time to grab a beer by the lake

Reality

I sit under a blanket for six hours straight

In Theory

I haven’t even thought about work at all. Nobody emailed me

Reality

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about work

In Theory

I feel refreshed and ready for the week

Reality

I’ve never been more anxious

Jon Savitt is a writer and comedian featured in outlets including Funny or Die, College Humor, Washington Post, MTV News and more. He’s also a past contributor to the popular comedy web series “Good Mythical Morning.” Find him on Twitter @savittj.

Writer. Comedian | Funny or Die. College Humor. TIME. Washington Post. And more!

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